


Sorry I was selfish again

by purpleprincess167



Category: The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Depressing, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hurt, M/M, Masochism, Mental Breakdown, NovaHD - Freeform, Pain, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, insane
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-14 23:06:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16050428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purpleprincess167/pseuds/purpleprincess167
Summary: Aleks had been heartbroken so many times; he started believe thats what love feels like.





	Sorry I was selfish again

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for the angsty edgelord vibes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edge edge edge edge edge

Aleks loved pain. 

 

He revelled in it.

 

It wasn’t a kink or anything sexual like that. He wasn’t a masochist in that sense, he like pain in a different kind of way. 

 

He didn’t like being humiliated or pitied, or when people accidentally broke his things. He didn’t like when people made fun of him, or when they would punch him just a little too hard. No— he liked a different sort of pain. 

 

When he’d get into an argument and in frustration the opponent would blow up in his face. He liked that. He liked the insults that would whip from their tongues and how their face would turn red and their veins became prominent. 

 

It made him feel in control again. 

And control always ends in pain. 

 

When you’re in control, people start to rebel, and when people start to rebel, they start to fight, and when they start to fight.

 

They hurt you.

 

And when Aleks was hurt, it meant he was getting attention. 

 

Attention that was fully focused on him and no one else. Attention that, no matter how horrible they speak of his name, was still about him. Just him.

 

Because for once in his fucking life he could feel like he was important and if being important meant being hurt over and over and over again then so fucking be it.

 

Feeling important made him feel whole again.

 

Aleks learnt to love the pain that came with hurt. He learnt that beggars can’t be choosers; If love was out of reach then pain was the next best thing. It always was.

 

Because at least Aleks can control the pain that came to lash him yet again. He could make people mad and upset, he could direct their anger and manipulate it so that he could get that hit again. 

 

It became his drug.

 

But he couldn’t make people love him. That was something he just couldn’t do. 

 

No matter how hard he tried to make it work, Aleks’s girlfriends would always leave him, and that made his heart hollow and empty every time they left. 

 

And every time they left he felt that familiar feeling sink down to his stomach.

 

That unforgiving feeling of absolute worthlessness. 

 

That was a pain Aleks never liked. 

 

Because being worthless meant being unimportant, and being unimportant meant... well... that he wasn’t important. 

 

That was reminder that always stung. A truth that always rubbed him the wrong way.

 

He wasn’t important to anyone, to anything. He was always second best and eventually dumped, forgotten and replaced. 

 

It made him go numb. He wants— no, needs to feel something again. So why not feel pain?

 

It’s all he’s got anyway.


End file.
